Therapeutic

1/2/13

Hello everyone! It's been such a long time since I last wrote to you.
There have been some pretty major changes in my life since the last time I was here.
I was in a relationship. A pretty long-term one measured by today's celebrity marriage standards. We were together for 2 1/2 years. But, long story short, we're no longer together. Still friends though. Besties for life :D
I have a new person in my life now, though. And I'm super happy. I'm spoiled rotten, that's for sure.
Grad school has started. I have one semester under my belt, with about 3 more left to go. It's going to be a long, hard, drawn-out process, but it'll be worth it in the end. Nothing is more important than getting a degree in the field of work you enjoy, so that you won't be dreading going to work when the time comes for your "career." Not just a job, but a career, a life-path if you will.
Now, onto my real post for the day. Work, school, and lots of people in general stress me out on a daily basis. I'm sure most of you feel the same way about those things as well. So, as the day winds down, I look for things that are therapeutic to me and help me to calm myself and become centered before I lay down to sleep. Some days it's easy for me to figure this one out. Others, I'm up for hours, much later than what I wanted to be. But, it's essential for me to become peaceful if I want to have a good night's sleep (or at least sleep in general).
I'm not a very girly female. I love playing video games, whether it be Madden, or Call of Duty. I'm into all kinds of games and genres. Sitting down and playing a game for a few hours on my PS3 makes me happy, and I find myself sleeping easier, and longer. Sometimes it takes a beverage or two to wind down and be at peace. I know that may not be the best habit to have, but hey, I'm 24 years old, I've earned it lol.
But, here recently, I've had to find another route to take. It's helped me tremendously, and with the help of my amazing other half, I've gotten regular appointments made, and have been getting the help I need. I go to therapy about once every two weeks. At first, I felt embarrassed to go and sign up for this. But now I realize that I have nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, I should feel proud. I am doing what lots of people can't. I've stood up for myself, and am doing what I need to do to better myself.
So, thanks A for helping me get motivated to go :D
If you guys ever find yourselves in need of some advice, someone to help you work some problems out, or just some ears to listen to you vent, check for a therapist near you. It helps. Believe me. And don't be ashamed or embarrassed. You are strong for taking that step to help yourself out.
Alright, that's enough for today. Have a great day and a happy new year!
<3 jess="jess" p="p">

Consistency and Continuity

Those two words are some of the most fleeting words when it comes to lots of things: society, ethics, even tv shows. My favorite show being L&O: SVU, I know how hard it is to expect continuity and to be harshly let down by the lack thereof.
Another concept I hate is double standards. It seems like there are tons of these in the world today. I deal with it on an almost daily basis. What I'm not supposed/allowed to do is perfectly acceptable for another person to do. It's not that I don't meet the requirements. It's just that they're not CONSISTENT on how they pick and choose.
So..if you don't like people complaining about something, why do you complain? You say if you don't like how something is, do something about it, or shut the hell up. Okay. That's fine. I have a friend that loves to bring that up. Someone shouldn't complain about something unless they try to fix it. Or they just talk about the same shit being wrong day in and day out but yet won't try to change it. This same friend talks about how their bank account is so low, so low, so low. They don't like where their account is sitting. Hey, I don't like being short on money either, but I'm okay with where my money situation is right now. Said person was going to go buy something for their dinner. When the EXACT same thing is already sitting in their fridge at home. Okay....why are you going to go buy something you already have?? This would essentially be a waste of money. When I try to help them out and suggest they just eat what they already have, I'm public enemy number one.
Double standard much? Missing continuity? Missing consistency? You betcha!
But, I'm probably not supposed to say anything because I'm not trying to fix it. Oh...wait...I did try....oh yay I get to complain!! Unless I'm suddenly not allowed to do that now either..
~Jess

Hello Again

Man, it's been a very long time since I've been on here. I apologize to all 4 people that read this blog that I've taken so long to get back to you. Lots of changes have happened in my life lately, most of which I do not enjoy, but I'm quickly learning that life just happens that way and I'm trying to accept it.
I'm currently writing to you from a hotel room in Atlanta, Georgia. I came down here with a friend who had some business orientations to do. Everything is already paid for, I just have to sit in a really nice hotel room by myself for a few hours a day, using free wifi, eating free food, drinking free drinks, and enjoying the scenery. Not a bad vacation of sorts.
I started grad school. It's a lot of work, but it'll get me where I want to be in life for the most part, so I just have to keep trucking along until it's over.
I find myself being very jealous of a lot of people's situations right now. My friend that I'm down here with just locked herself in the bathroom for the better part of an hour to get some privacy while she talked to her boyfriend. They're a good match for each other. She says she's probably going to marry him. I'm happy for her. But I'm extremely jealous.
One of my friends just had her first baby. He's super adorable and he has a lot of her facial features. Again, so happy for her. But jealous. I know, I have a lot of years left to have children, but I feel like I'm ready to share all this love I have with a little bundle of joy that will love me right back.
Several of my friends are happily married. And a few more are going to be married this year. Cousins included. Their ceremonies were all beautiful and the receptions were a blast. The ones coming up will also be all of that. I just can't wait til it's my turn for all that.
I guess I'm just an emotional ball of emotions right now. That is all.
<3 j="j" p="p">

Sex Scandals Galore

It never fails. Turn the news on and there's someone somewhere in the midst of a tragic sex scandal. The Catholic Church has been criticized heavily for it's supposed lack of reporting and punishment of priests who allegedly abuse children. It's been a very pressing issue. Government officials have been caught in the sex scandal web as well.

The newest scandal hot off the presses involves the football powerhouse Penn State University. An assistant coach has been charged with over 4o counts of sexual abuse. More victims are stepping forward every day. This man should have the book thrown at him, and allowed to rot in jail. He deserves even worse.

However, one big question I have about all this, is where were the other coaches during all this? What about the administration? According to initial reports from several news sources, Joe Paterno, after hearing an eye witness account of a rape that occurred in the team showers, reported his findings to the AD and the vice president of the university. That's great. I'm so glad he did that. However, the AD and VP swept it under the rug. They did not alert the police, or even conduct an internal investigation. They did nothing. So, naturally, they should be arrested as well. Which, I believe, is happening. They have been charged with not reporting.

But, I feel like JoPa should have done more. A man who's job is to help young men excel in their lives, achieve greatness, and ultimately fulfill their dreams, should know that when someone abuses these children, he should make sure something is done to stop it. I believe he should have gone to the police when he realized the AD and VP weren't doing anything about it.

Hundreds to thousands of PSU students have assembled around JoPa's house to rally in support of the legendary coach. Just stop. He could have done so much more to help these poor children out, but chose not to. He could have been such a hero, but instead he's semi-villain. You're supporting a man who didn't bring justice to these kids.

Furthermore, he allowed Sandusky to come back and use the facilities there. The report Paterno made was in 2002. As of about 2 weeks ago, Sandusky was in the facilities. I feel that JoPa was almost facilitating a rapist. He was giving him the opportunity to commit more abuse. The man should be fired, not allowed to retire. He said in an interview that the school's Board of Trustee's should "not spend a single minute discussing my status". Right, Jopa. Because you know you're wrong and want to get that retirement money. What a joke.

Hmmm

I'm bored. So here's my blog for today:

Things that make you go hmmmm

1. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

2. Why did kamikaze pilots bother wearing helmets?

3. Why are there always dead bugs in light fixtures?

4. Why are pizza boxes square?

5. Why do hot dogs come in packs of 10 but buns come in packs of 8?

6. Why did they use the letter S in the world lisp when those that suffer from one cannot clearly pronounce the word?

7. Why do we press harder on a remote button when we know it's almost out of battery?

8. Why does Hawaii have an interstate highway?

9. Why are the words "on" and "off" printed on a light switch?

10. Why do drive-up ATM's have braille?

11. Why are buildings that are finished called buildings? Why not builts?

12. What hair color do they put on bald people's drivers licenses?

13. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

14. If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

15. Why do we say taking a dump, when in fact, we are leaving one?

16. Before drawing boards were invented, what did we "go back to"?

17. How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

18. Why do we call something sent by truck a shipment, but something sent by ship cargo?

19. Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

20. Why are UFO's and Bigfoot always captured on the shittiest cameras with the shittiest qualities so nobody's questions are truly answered?

Okay, I'm done. I'm so bored. This was so random. But I'm sure you'll still have some fun reading it.

<3 Jess

P.S. Oh by the way, some people can suck it. Suck it long and hard because it's people like you that make me want to pull my hair out and stomp on small children. You are the scum of the earth. Eat shit.

Softball

So as probably some of you know, I'm a major tomboy. I love sports, almost every sport. I'm not a fan of cheerleading (oh wait that's not a sport :D), I don't like lacrosse and field hockey, and I'm not a fan of ice hockey, or soccer. I love basketball, football, baseball, and especially softball.

When i was 4 years old, I got my first ball glove. My mom and dad would pitch a ball to me ever so softly and I would let it fall to the ground and roll between my legs so I could look between my legs like every little kid loves to do. Then, I'd run after it, pick it up, and bring it right back to them and place it in their hand instead of throwing it. At the age of 4, what kid wants to throw the ball when you could use all that energy and run it to them, then run back to my spot and do it all over again? Duh.

Then, when I turned 6, I started playing organized ball. I was the clean-up hitter for my t-ball team. Not to toot my own horn but I was the only kid in the county to ever turn an unassisted triple play. Thank you, thank you. :D

Then I started playing slow pitch softball. I had the time of my life playing. I could hit really well, I could play virtually any position, and I was one of the best players in the county.
All good things must come to an end, though. Middle school rolled around and all of a sudden, there was no more slow pitch. To play the game of softball, one must throw themselves into the wonderful world of fast pitch. I was apprehensive at first, but I thought I'd give try-outs a try. I made the high school freshman team and enjoyed my time there. I played freshman ball my 7th, 8th, and freshman years.

After you become a sophomore, you either don't make the team or you play JV/Varsity. So, again, I had to try out. I made the JV team and, again, I enjoyed my time there, both years.

Then I became a senior. I was a first baseman. I practiced every practice with all the starters and was always put on first base. I was so excited. I'd finally moved to Varsity (seniors weren't allowed to play JV so it was play varsity or just dress and sit the bench), and I had a starting position. The day before our first game, we were doing game situations in practice like we always do. Coach was putting people in positions. Then he said "Jess, you're on first!" So I start trotting out to my position. "No, not you, the other Jess." A girl a year younger than me that had just moved to town and had to go through hearings in front of the education board and the KHSAA (Kentucky High School Athletic Association) to even be considered eligible to play, took my spot. Up until that day, first base had been all mine. And I was good at playing first. I had a glove that could scoop up any errant throw. But this girl that moved in at the last second was given my spot. I don't have anything against that girl. It's not her fault. I hated my coach though. I walked off the field and everyone just stared at me like "what just happened?"

I was never so devastated and embarrassed in my life. I had to "go to the bathroom" right then, just so I wouldn't show everyone my tears. All my childhood I'd devoted to sports, and then I had my shining moment ripped out from under me.

But, being the trooper I am, I cheered all that much harder from the dugout, and worked my ass off at every practice.

Senior night rolled around and I was so happy. Anybody who knows sports at all, knows that all the seniors get to start senior night, just because that's who they are. I was so excited. Game day was finally here and we were warming up for the game. Then it was time for the opening lineup. I waited. And waited. And waited still....I wasn't in the lineup. I didn't get to start senior night. I got to bat once. That was it. Then he took me out. Again...devastated and embarrassed.

I wasn't the most athletic girl on the team, and I wasn't the most talented. But the most heart, I definitely had, and I would have played that heart out on senior night, just to prove that I belonged to be out on that field. But I was never given the chance.

So now...it's very hard for me to go and support that coach that I absolutely hate. I still like the game and I love the team, not as much as I used to, but I hate the coach. He always says hi to me when he sees me, and acts like we're best friends. Fuck that. He ruined the game I once loved for me. What happened to humanity and decency? He must have missed out on those attributes.

Okay, rant over. I guess I just felt like getting that off my chest because college softball is on TV and my sister is playing at the high school right now too. I'll always go support my sisters while the play. But it's hard.

<3 Jess

Thoughts

Just been having random thoughts go through my mind. So I'm going to try to make them semi-rational and legible for you today.
-How come with every warm/hot day we have here in Kentucky, we have to have a day with terrible storms? Today it's been in the 80s and tonight and tomorrow we're supposed to have severe storms maybe even tornadic activity. I know there's this thing called Karma, but damn. we didn't make the weather do it..it did it itself.
- I feel bad for my grandma. Recently she was diagnosed with Macular Degeneration. For those of you that don't know what that is, basically, she's losing her eyesight. She can make things out if it's really big, and if it's under a magnifying glass and bright light. But lines (like signature lines) jump around like crazy so signing her name to any kind of document is really hard for her. It's really gotten her down. Then, on top of that, her back, hip, and leg have started acting up. She can barely walk now. I've taken her to several doctors appointments over the last week, and took her for an MRI on Saturday. We're waiting for the test results right now.
-Distance is sometimes a curse, sometimes a blessing. This past week my whole family was away for vacation. I had the whole house to myself and I LOVED it. I could do what I wanted when I wanted. I loved the distance between myself and them. It was much needed. However, I didn't like the distance between me and my best friend. It haunts me every single day. I hate that distance can put on these two faces and still be one concept. Miles and miles and miles of land separating one person from another. F you distance. F you.
-I need a job.
- I need an apartment of my own.
- I need to move.
Okay that's enough for today.
~Jess

It's Hump Day

I've been so bored the last few days. My family has been basking in the sun in Florida for spring break and I'm home allll alone. Well, except for my dog. But he is kinda quiet, doesn't talk much. lol
I really don't have an idea for today's entry. I'm just kinda writing just to write. I'm sorry if it doesn't make any sense. It probably won't. But isn't that what a blog is for? To write down my thoughts?
I made spaghetti for dinner tonight. I had invited my grandma to come over for supper but she called me and said she couldn't come over bc her leg was hurting. She's been having trouble with her leg lately. So being the good granddaughter I am, I finished cooking, loaded it up, and took it to her. We ate at her house and sat and talked for a while. It was a good time. But if you're the praying kind, could you send a few her way? She's losing her eyesight, she's all of a sudden having heart problems, and now her leg is hurting so bad it's hard for her to walk. All of this has come on so quickly and it's starting to really get her down. I heard my grandma cry today for the first time ever. I've heard her get sniffly and seen her teary-eyed...but ever cry like she did today. So prayers for her if you can please. Thanks!
Also..I've been having a hard time coming to terms with things that have happened in my past. They haunt me daily but lately it's been really bad. Maybe I'll vent more later but tonight I just don't feel like it, but wanted to lay that out there.
Anyway..that's about all I have. Have a good one everybody!
<3 Jess

you know...

You wanna know what really pisses me off? When people assume just because something doesn't bother them, that it won't bother anyone else. Some people are a little more sensitive than others when it comes to certain things.
Some people get really offended by the N word. Some people get really offended by the word "gay" or "retarded" when it's used in the wrong connotation or when it's thrown around just because it sounds "funny."
I had a bad run in the other day with this situation. Someone decided it would be okay to bring up something that I experienced that to this day I have lots of trouble coping with. They knew this. I tell them about this all the time. Yet, they did it anyway. And I got upset. Very upset actually. And I let this person know that I didn't like it. Still haven't gotten any type of apology about it. They act like it's okay or it's no big deal because it doesn't bother them, so why should it bother me? Well fuck you too. It really pisses me the fuck off. To no end. UGH.
Okay I'm done with this suck fest.
Bye.
Jess

Team Leader

I know, I know, it's been a realllllly long time since I got on here and updated you guys on my life. Blame it on my little Acer that bit the dust. However, I have just joined a fantastic family that I'm proud to be a part of. I am now a proud owner of a MacBook Pro. I LOVE it!!! It's amazing. Worth the extra money you need to save up to get it.
So, since I last talked to you I got a promotion at work. Instead of just being a regular old temp in the freezer, I'm now a team leader. Basically I'm in charge of the "regular old temps" in the freezer. I put them into their positions every morning and supervise them. I was so excited about this job. I mean, I still am. But I've come to find out that the job description is very deceiving. This job is like 10% job related work and 90% babysitting. Now, mind you, everyone that works at this place must be at least 18 with at least 2 years of work experience. And since a lot of places don't hire minors, that puts your average youngest person in the factory at about 20. What I'm trying to get at is that everyone that is working their is an adult. Well, at least, an adult by law. I'm starting to realize though that age means nothing when it comes to maturity. Oh, if you only knew the bullshit I have to put up with on a daily basis. I used to not mind going to work that much. I mean, nobody really likes to work, but it used to not be a big deal. Now, though, I dread it so much. I dread it with a fiery passion. Why don't I quit? Because I'm making so much more money than I would at McDonald's or some other place like that. I don't have a degree yet so I can't really get a better job right now. So I'm just gonna stick with what I have. Even though it sucks. I know, I know, I shouldn't complain if I'm not doing anything about it. But, internally, at the factory, I am trying to fix it. I'm trying to be stricter when it comes to what I put up with from these people. Today it came back and bit me in the ass though. This one person is pushing me so far and testing me. She's African-American which doesn't bother me at all, I'm not racist. But, she's the kind that treats anything and everything as a racial comment or issue. If I get after her because she did something wrong, she pulls out the race card. I can't stand that. I got after another person that was Caucasian for the exact same thing just a few minutes earlier. Sorry, that just gets on my nerves so much. Enough about that though.
Something else happened recently that still hurts my heart. A friend of mine named David chose to end his own life on February 3rd. He was 23 years old. I can still hear him do his infamous "KICK!" (if any of you are familiar with SNL he would imitate molly shannon doing her "i like to kick! streeeeetttcchhhh and kick! im 50, 50 years old!" skit) I know that's weird, but that's one of the things that everyone who was ever around David remembers, if nothing else. David was a year ahead of me in high school. He was always very involved in activities at school, ranging from football to groups against drugs and alcohol to ministering at Mass. He was such a great guy. We all miss him so much. Everyone, please, please listen to your friends and family. If they seem to be struggling with something, anything, talk to them. Don't let them feel that they're alone. If they come to you with a problem, listen to them. Help them out. Don't call them liars and turn away. No one should have to take their own life to receive the peace and happiness we all deserve. RIP David. We love you. We miss you. Keep an eye on us man.
Okay that's enough for now. I'm getting teary-eyed. Have a good day everybody.
Til next time.
<3 Jess

I'm...Not Really Sure

That's just it. I'm not really sure. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now. I'm not sure who's right or who's wrong. All I know is that I apologized profusely. I got yelled at. A lot. Maybe I deserve it. But I'm really not sure. I didn't do any yelling back. Maybe I should have. But I'm really not sure. I probably shouldn't have done what I did in the first place. But I'm really not sure. I'm in a super confused state right now and not sure what I should do or what should have been done. But... I do know one thing. I'm really sorry. I'm really hurt. I really want it to be fixed. I really hate how I feel right now. I really want things to be better. How? Well......I'm not really sure.
<3 J

Sometimes...I Just Don't Know

I'm a rather intelligent person. I scored a 30 on my ACT. I make pretty good grades. I know a lot of stuff. People compliment me on it all the time. But, a lot of times, more often than not, I find myself lost.
If someone came to you with a complaint, very simple, such as "I'm thirsty", what would you tell that person? Easy, right? "Drink something." However, what if that person were to say "I'm so thirsty right now. But, I think I'll wait til tomorrow to drink something."? It seems totally illogical, right?
This is where I am right now. I'm at a total loss for words. Why would the parched person refuse the one thing that they are in need of at the moment? It's not like they are withdrawing and need a hit of coke or something. It's water. It's nourishment. It's what everyone needs. Kinda like food. You gotta eat. But for that person to say nah I'll wait til tomorrow, just totally blows my mind.
I don't know. It's as simple as that. I don't know. And I'll probably never know. It's things like this that make me doubt my intellectual abilities altogether. I guess I'm not as smart as I thought I once was. Good thing there's Google I guess.
<3 J

Packing

I kinda hate packing. It's sorta stressful to me. I worry so much all the time, and packing makes me wory that I'm forgetting really important things. Luckily, I have a good friend that's going to make sure I have everything haha
So, why am I packing?? Because I'm going to only the best place in the world!! No, not Disney Land or anything like that....I'M GOING TO BETH'S HOUSE!!!! Beth is ONLY my BESTESTESTESTESTESTEST friend!!!! God I'm so excited. Can you tell? lol
I'll be leaving my place on Friday and flying into her place around noon friday and staying for about 8 days.
Today wasn't a bad day. I went shopping for clothes for my trip. I think I'm just about set. But I do need to find my coat. I've been informed it's rather chilly where she lives haha.
So insurance commercials are really cracking me up lately. Especially Allstate and geico commercials.. THEY'RE HILARIOUS!! Especially the new one where the guy pretends to be a psu flag on a car. HAHA!!
Alright that's enough randomness for now peeps. I'm out.
<3 J

Did YOU vote?

Today was election day. Some of my colleagues at work were talking about it basically all day. So it had been on my mind. On my way home, though, I honestly forgot all about it. Luckily the polling place nearest my house is right across the street at the fire station and i saw a bunch of cars there and it reminded me.
This was the first time ever for me. I've never voted in any election before. I hadn't registered to vote until this year. Lame, I know. But, at least I'm registered now right? haha
Work wasn't bad. We ran for a while then did some cleaning stuff. It went by pretty fast so that was good.
I'm super tired though. Maybe because I didn't sleep very well last night. Lately, my mind has been racing at night. It's like it's empty during the day, and I just go through my daily routine but when i turn the lights out at night and my head hits the pillow, it's like my mind goes into hyperdrive. I don't really like it because (1) it keeps me from sleeping and (2) it's so late that nobody is around to talk to and it's just, idk, just weird. i mean i don't expect anybody to stay up just for me, so i hope none of you get offended by this. Just sometimes it sucks. But, tis life.
On a lighter note....NOVEMBER 19th!!!! I'll be going to visit my BESTEST BESTEST BESTESTEST FRIEND Beth!!!!! I CANNOT wait!!! It's gonna be so much fun. I've never been to the north before. I've only traveled south for trips. I know it'll be cold. That part I'm not looking forward to lol but I'll endure it if it means going to visit my friend :)
Okay I'm gonna get this thing posted then chill in bed and warm up. This house is freezing!
<3 J

She's Baaaack

So after a little bit of drama (okay maybe a little more than a little bit) I have decided to reinstate myself to the world of blogging. That being said, I'm going to go in a different direction this time. Just some random stuff, tell you about my day, what's going on, you know the normal blog kinda stuff.
Sooo, here goes.
11/1/10
Today's the first of the month. I LOVE the first of the month. Why? Idk. I just do :)
I spent the weekend with some friends of mine out of town. For the most part it sucked. People are dumb and mean and I kinda hate them. But there were some fun times.
I went and saw Paranormal Activity 2 yesterday and I really liked it. I think I hyped myself up for it a little too much and expected more than what I got but it still freaked me out. Especially since I was laying on the living room floor (my bed for the weekend) and everything was all quiet and BAM! something fell out of the kitchen cabinet. I about shit a brick. It was really freaky. Thankfully, though, I fell back asleep soon.
This morning I woke up to a text from one of my sisters saying that dad was pissed at me bc I missed an appointment to get my tires rotated. HA! I already have it rescheduled so all is good. I find it kind of funny though that he got so mad over something that is so easily fixed. Oh well. I fixeded it :)
Today will mostly be a day of laundry, cleaning, and chilling. For a lot of people today is hte day of recovering. But I didn't get wasted so I'm all good lol.
I think that's enough for now. I plan on being here more often. We'll see.
<3 J

P.S. Father brought up a very good point in his homily last night that i totally forgot to share. Especially since tomorrow is election day and everyone's been hearing all the ridiculous campaign ads, here's some food for thought. Candidates always tell you whether they are pro-choice or pro-life. However, most of the time, even when they say they're pro-life, they're really not. For example, I heard an ad in class one day that was a perfect model of what I'm talking about. I couldn't tell you the guy's name or where he's from but I can tell you what he said. Basically, he said vote for him because he is pro-life and does not believe in abortion. Then some other stuff. Then said he supports the death penalty for major offenders. Okay. I know that if i were put in the position of sending someone to jail for killing a loved one or putting him to death, I would reallllllllly want to kill the son of a bitch. But. Being pro-life means acknowledging the sanctity of life from the moment of conception until NATURAL death. We can't say oh this baby deserves to live, but this murderer deserves to die. When regarding life itself, we can't classify by age or behavior or criminal activity. Life is life. We are either for it or against it. No matter if the person is 2 or 92.